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|Monday, September 19th, 2011|
go draw unicorns - fly away on them
|Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009|
i forgot about this community
but it's name is so fun.
I'm a loser, a real full-fledged loser. I have absolutely no friends, no one that would willingly want to talk to me, or seek me out; the only one friend I do have is just abusive and bullies me.
I've lost all sense of self and the bad part is; I can't even pinpoint exactly what it is that I'm missing; I'm going through a time where I feel more lost than ever, alone, out-side-looking-in sort of thing; I'm just a pathetic loser and I'm such a big freak I'll never 'fit in', or be accepted.
I try to make this art and these attempts at expressing myself as some sort of distraction or redemption from my flawed personality, my flawed everything. mediocre intelligence, average at best looks, moderate skill level; I'm worthless and my attempts at 'art' make real artists vomit.
i try to help and to love; but the truth is, no one has ever really needed me and no one will ever really want me. especially not in the way I have needed and wanted those who I love, i can never be worthy of such a beautiful feeling of being loved, being cared for; the only thing that is reserved for me is being resented, pitied and ignored.
no one will ever see me for anything more that I am, because I can never be worth more than absolute nothing; I should have just been shot out into an old sock and left to crust and turn brown and be awkwardly thrown away during spring cleaning. i should have never been born.
god must have just been in a car crash, bludgeoned to the point of retardation and had botched plastic surgery when he made me in his image.
|Thursday, November 2nd, 2006|
the darker half
when it comes down to it, i feel a lot better when you're hurting, too. kind of an inner-conflict thing, i guess.
|Sunday, October 29th, 2006|
I'm so glad I found this community. I haven't read so many people with the same feelings I posesses...
I hate everything now. I hate myself and the person I've become. I wish I could feel void....
Let me go now to fake the "happiness" that I've been giving off to everyone
|Friday, October 27th, 2006|
i saw this...
i read in the paper, today, that educational web pages can help with depression. an excerpt:
"Natasha, a 20 year old student, is a typical example of someone who is depressed.
She has been feeling very down for the last few months. She normally has good relationships with her friends, but now she find that she can't talk to them about how hopeless and meaningless her life feels to her. They no longer drop in to see her because she is so withdrawn. She has lost weight because she is not eating properly. She wakes up at 3am in the morning and can't get back to sleep.
Natsha can't keep her mind on her study and finds making decisions difficult. She can't seem to enjoy anything either. Most days it is a huge struggle just to get to university. When she can get herself to a lecture, she comes home and just goes to bed or watches TV. She no longer feels like playing the flute, although it used to be her favourite pastime. She wants desperately not to feel this way, and her future looks very bleak to her. She doesn't know what is wrong, or how to fix herself up."
i do know how that feels. Current Mood: empty
but my ability to turn any substantial emotion into an obnoxiously bad after-school special is ... top notch. Current Mood: suicidal
|Tuesday, August 15th, 2006|
I barely have the energy to write this - I've raged and stormed at myself beyond any stregnth. I hate myself and despise myself. For my lack of stregnth, for weakness, for selfishness for cowardice, inability to do what I know I should. For hurting my family becuase I can't find it in myself to either surpass my troubles or to put my family ahead of them. For hurting those I love and for being unable to stop it. I'm pathetic. I feels so good to admit it to someone other than myself.
|Saturday, August 12th, 2006|
i don't hate myself, just the things that i do
|Saturday, July 15th, 2006|
There’s been something wrong with me since the day I was born. I don’t know what it is exactly. All I can go on is the stories I hear about myself from my mom and aunt. I recently found a letter that my mom wrote to my aunt when I was probably 1 or 2 years old.
“When you get here I want you to see if you notice anything different about Ronnie. I’m not talking about just her different personality but a kind of well strangeness. Something I can’t put a finger on but different.”
I’ve been told that I never wanted to be held. My own mother could not hold me or I would scream and cry. I was so shy in kindergarten they actually made me take an extra grade called junior first. It’s a grade for kids who aren’t ready for 1st grade. I think its usually for kids who aren’t ready education wise but I wasn’t ready emotionally. I would cry if a teacher spoke to me.
I’m still like that. I can’t talk to authority figures without my tears welling up. I walk around with a look on my face that screams unwelcomeness. I make an extremely bad first impression. Everyone hates me. I’m not being paranoid. Unless people are forced to spend time with me and really get to know me then they hate me. Some of my best friends have admitted that at first they did not like me.
I’m socially awkward. I’ve never gotten the hang of how to deal with people. I’m actually a very generous person. I love to help other people out and do random things to make them happy. Buy a small little something here and there that means something. But there are other areas that I can’t handle. I use sarcasm and jokes to hold up my end of the conversation. If I’m not being mean, funny, or gross then I feel uncomfortable in a conversation.
I can’t accept complements. I even get uncomfortable if someone says bless you when I sneeze. I don’t know how to act. Actually that isn’t true. I know that the socially acceptable thing to do is to say thank you. I know that when someone else sneezes the socially acceptable thing to do is to say bless you. When the time comes and someone sneezes, I just try to pretend I didn’t notice and hope someone else says something. Imagine going through life uncomfortable every time someone sneezes. Why can’t I act the way I know I should?
I’ve gotten angrier and angrier as the years go by. I remember thinking of myself as a kind, caring, generous person. I was always there to lend a friend a hand when they were upset. Now I get angry when other people are upset. I feel like no one notices how I feel but at the same time I’m desperately trying to hide that I’m so messed up. Somehow I simultaneously scream that I want help while denying that there is anything wrong.
I began feeling like I’ve been walked all over my whole life when I was in college. I felt like people took my generosity for granted and began to take advantage of me. Even knowing this I continue to offer things that I know will eventually make me resent other people. I have a general hate towards people. I get angry over the smallest actions and words and I hold grudges.
I hate myself. I hate that I’m an obese cow but I have no self control or lying power to stop eating. On my own I go on binges. Sometimes I throw up but most times not. I wish that I could starve myself and become so thin that someone will notice that there is something wrong. I want to be thin so I can wear the things that I see other girls wearing that I’ve never been able to. I wish that I didn’t have a huge chest that makes it impossible to wear tank tops and button up shirts.
I don’t want to be the way I’ve become and the way I’m becoming more and more everyday but I don’t know how to stop it. I can see what’s wrong and I know that all I need to do is change the way I act and think and go to a psychiatrist. I just can’t take the steps for some reason. I find myself going back to the same patterns over and over again.
I’m hurt easily. The slightest comment, joking or not can send me into a depression. I can dish it but I can’t take it. I know I’m a hypocrite but I can’t stop myself from taking everything to heart.
I push myself away from people especially those that are long distances from me. I don’t even make an effort to keep in touch. It’s not that I don’t want to. I think I have a fear of abandonment and I push people away so that can’t do the same to me. Even when I’m the one moving I push people away.
More than anything I want to be normal. The problem is I don’t think I’ve ever been normal.
|Tuesday, May 23rd, 2006|
Hello, my name is Melanie and i'm dead inside. I feel nothing. I don't cry. I didn't cry when i was born, which is a perfect representation of the rest of my life. Everytime i feel some slight hint of soemthing i make a big deal about it, because if i dont then what will I have? I dont love, not even my parents or my brothers, and i dont hate them either. so what do I do? Absolutely nothing. I mean, GODDAMNIT... I just keep living each day, one step at a time, as if nothing is wrong because if i didnt have the people around me then i wouldn't be a person. But the people around me dont care; how could they? People feel when someone's hollow.
I dont feel numb, and i dont feel angry. When my friend started dating a guy I had been chasing after for over a year, I felt nothing. and yet i thought it was a situation that i should feel something about. so I made a huge deal about it... i faked crying, and yelling. but there's a reason I get drunk as often as i can... because then at least i feel drunk; i feel something. I never get worried, or depressed. I dont even get depressed about feeling nothing. I'm one of those people that just lives...
|Friday, May 5th, 2006|
I hate myself.
I'm so stupid.
I can't make a choice to save my life.. well not the right one any way.
My dad ismaking my life hell.
I need to stop the drugs but they hurt so good.
I need to stop crying at night.. but it hurts so bad.
I am nothing.
I deserve nothing.
I deserve to get locked up again.
Maybe it will set me straight..
I doubt it.
|Monday, March 27th, 2006|
I just don't know anymore....
I'm new here, so i'm not completly sure what i'm doing or even if i'm posting this in the right place.
But anyway here goes.......I'm so unbelievably unhappy its untrue, i have no friends and i hate my school, i loved my old one and i had to move and now i hate where i am, i don't like the people and i don't like the place. Also including that i'm failing most of my subjects dosent help. But i am so miserable at the moment that if someone told me i had 2 weeks left to live i wouldnt be sad, or to quote as someone else wrote in a comment i read " If i woke up and someone was going to shoot me, i'd just close my eyes, smile and go back to sleep"
I hate life, its so unfair, and no-one seems to get how unhappy i am. I'm incredibly disgustingly fat hence the reason that i'm bulimic/anorexic. Which no-one knows, well apart from anyone reading this that is, and its just making me more unhappy and i can't tell anyone because i don't want them to be unhappy because of me.
I just don't know what to do anymore......
xXx Current Mood: sad
|Sunday, February 26th, 2006|
Confusion is Not Cool
So I am confused. I hate being confused. Not only do I hate being confused but confusion brings annoyance and annoyance brings frustration and frustration brings the urge to take control. And, of course, the urge to take control means wanting to cut myself. Actually, my most recent thing that I did was I scratched myself. I didn't just do a tiny little scratch, no, of course not. I scratched my skin until it was absolutely raw. The nurse practitioner looked at my arm and asked what happened. I simply told her that I had an itch and I just scratched it a little too much. But that is really besides the point. The point is that I am working hard not to do something that could be classified as stupid and well. . . . at the moment it is working but I just want to state that right now, I don't want to feel this way because the urge to cut or scratch or whatever is just way to strong. Current Mood: confused
|Saturday, January 21st, 2006|
i don't have low self-esteem, just severe self-loathing.
most relationships and friendships i have just fall apart and whoever i like never likes me.
i've dealt with a lot of rejection, and whenever i'm at my lowest moments i never have anyone to turn to.
for a while, i thought maybe its just the way i percieve things, If i go into something with a negative attitude, the outcome will be negative. so i changed, still the same dissapointment, or mostly the same anticlimatic and predictable ending... with me, alone, and ultimately depressed.
i'm afraid of becoming bitter or jaded, because from all of the discouragement i've faced, i'm very apathetic from it. but i've found some type of morbid comfort in the reliable emptyness of it all. Current Mood: nauseated
|Sunday, January 22nd, 2006|
Seems like a good sort of community for this. This is a psuedo journal, so go to my journal and you'll find my terribly intriguting confessions of how much I once hated myself.
Or you know...you could not.
I don't really mind either way.
But I think people need to realise that it can get better. But don't worry it's not a big self help seminar or anything like that. And it contains sex, drugs, violence, self harm, and eating disorder and illegal things. So pass it round.
|Friday, January 13th, 2006|
mid-way through my junior year of highschool was when my life crashed and burned. all that remains from that fatal car accident on clearlake road is a broken girl with a broken back and broken dreams. i had so many options and such a nice threshold of supportive adventures coming my way. id have my own city, my own swimming team, my own college and perhaps a little more to do each day. i wouldnt be sitting outside my shady apartment that im sharing with my brother updating my livejournal in self regret with my cellphone ringing in my ears. i have absolutely nothing to hold on to at this point. im relatively excited about my classes, yay, i get to learn information that has been around since god knows when and im still stagnant for anything that is up to date. i cant talk to the people around my because my spirit is damaged, ive lost all lust for life and subsequently i just dont care about anything they have to say. when they do speak, its usually about world views and shit that has been happening for the past ten years in society; plain old up to date shit that ive somehow overlooked and know nothing about. i dont know anything about politics and the bands i speak of are simply just "cool because they have awesome riffs." my knowledge of the german language is shitty, but honestly if i knew the words what would i have to say anyway?
the best conversations i have are with myself in the shower. somehow thoughts come so easily there. for ten minutes or so im off and dissociated from everything and replies to questions come easier. im running on nothing.
i used to attach myself to people in a very destructive manner. i usually gave all my good energy to those who i felt deserved it and i never once thought about myself. its been a crazy trip trying to detach and get out of that frame of mind, but since then ive realized the reason why i attach myself in the first place: i suck. why support me? i have no ground to stand on and everything id done thus far was blown to the wind mid junior year. im essentially an idiot and i cant express myself. i cant orgasm. i havent been living more than %20 of reality, just tagging along. chillin out. i feel like napoleon dynamite, especially the part where he makes up skills to feel worth it.
this is me: im beautiful, but more so worthless.
|Wednesday, January 11th, 2006|
I am a worthless piece of shit.
I fuck up every chance I get.
Every time I get up I just fall down.
I should just stay face down in the dirt.. because obviously that's where a piece of shit like me belongs..
God damn i suck at life
|Friday, January 6th, 2006|
|Tuesday, December 27th, 2005|
All right, I'm new. I'm 22 and I'm a drunk. Since I was cut off from my drug connections I've had to see a doctor to get drugs--and all I can get are benzos. I'm a complete fuck-up. I got expelled from school, and only got a diploma from a homeschooling program--after I went to an alternative school for morons and criminals. My girlfriend was a whore and I believed she was honest only because I was so afraid of being alone. I'm in legal trouble. I will probably go to jail. I cut myself all the time and all I think about it dying. I don't leave the house except to go to the liquor store. I'm a fuck up and I lack the motivation to do anything to correct that. The only problem with this is that I still think it could get worse. Shit. I can't even buy a gun because I'm a pending felon. Dammit. Current Mood: cynical
I read alot of the entries here.
itmakes me sad.
Im too unhappy to admit these things about myself so bluntly.
Im 19. Im ugly. Im deppressed, and no one cares.
I made this post.http://www.livejournal.com/users/modlovecat/355010.html
if you have a secret you should read it.
My secret now, is Im afrai only I will be posting secrets there.
I have like 50 friends on lj and no one comments when I am depressed.
no one cares.
when I was 14 I was raped.
when I was 15 I had a baby and had to put it up for adoption.
when I was 16-17 I was abused by my boyfriend constantly.
mentally, physically... badly.
Im too nice.
Im too sharp tongued. Im too blunt and too descriptive.
I wrote this and no one will read it:The gaia
giving the world a push
all thats returned is a shove in the wrong direction.
granting the world a wish
and all thats needed is another discrection
drop fall from the sky like stars to the earth
faith explodes from inside the gaia
and the world is a mess
destuction wakes to return the call
and the gaia reaches out in dispair.
the gaias a statuette
that only wants to be loved.
only wants to be adored.
she only wants to be the world.
she gives the world a push
and gets a shove inthe wrong direction
all that she wanted
was to grant the world a wish
so the orbit would continue
and without a discretion
her drops fall to make the end of the world
like stars, she suffers.
and the world is a mess
it seems without this gaia
the worlds distruction overturns the course of orbit.
shes a statuette
that only wants to be loved.
only wants to be adored.
she only wants to be the world.
the gaia only wants to be needed by the world.
shooting stars fall to earth and no one turns a head
the planets stay on their own orbit
and nevermind the gaias course of action.
shes a sillouette
that never got any love.
never adored and nothing to the world.
she only needed to be needed.
gaia youre dear
so far from here
you still reach to grant wishes...
no one wants to hear me screaming. Im so lonely in myself.
all the time with all of these people who love me.
but thy'd all rather talk then listen.